I’ve got an anonymous guest to guide you through the ins and outs of navigating a divorce amidst a public scandal. He and I have bonded over this unique experience. His kids are old enough to consent to him discussing it publicly, even without names. To “Charlie,” thank you for letting me put your story into words. Being a ghost writer is the best type of ghosting.
As the world has united to roast…no to torch Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot (the cheaters at the Coldplay concert), I’ve been thinking about divorce in the spotlight. As of right now,I don’t believe either marriage has been publicly declared over, but if that is what happens next, they’lll be the two most talked about divorces in a very long time.
I for sure meant it when I said “till death to us part,” when we got married, but in our shakier moments, I figured if we ever got divorced it would be an amicable, subdued affair (poor choice of words, there). Instead, it was everyone in our state and several states away, and it felt like everyone I’d ever met.
The publicity around it wan's the worst part. But it did add a layer of stress and logistics that required a lot more mental agility and planning. And innocent bystanders got hurt.
Getting through this particular experience felt like being buried alive and then finally breaking free to the surface.
I emerged coughing dirt out of my lungs, gasping, and taking in so much oxygen it hurt. Interestingly, I experienced this feeling on several occasions, which goes to show healing is non-linear and sometimes things all come barreling back down on you.
No one expects this, but I really couldn’t have predicted being inducted into this club no one wants a part of. I led an ordinary but good life, all Clark Kent and no Superman. I’m guessing Andy Byron and Kristin Cabot’s families felt similar. If you’re caught up in a very public, truly news-worthy divorce, it can feel like nothing will ever be normal again. Thankfully, that’s not true.
From someone who’s lived it, here’s some tips for managing a scandal during or after your divorce.
Time stops the exact moment you hit a fast forward button.
It’s really tough to articulate how messed up time and schedules can get. In that moment, your brain is reacting and surviving first and everything else second. Life has blown up. No one expects you to be normal, but there are still things that must be done in addition to a whole lot of new things. Lawyers suddenly call you right back.
If you’ve suddenly got custody of the kids, you’re taxed with leading them through the worst time of their lives and your mind is spinning and you just need to keep everyone fed and occupied while you answer 125 text messages from people whose love and concern feels urgent but they’ve forgotten that you’re caring for tiny humans in crisis right now and if you don’t respond they’ll freak out and oh shit it’s how late now?
Your phone will blow up.
Some people care. Some people are nosy. Some people text just because it seems like the only thing to do. At the end of the day, I do think most people reaching out genuinely cared about me and wanted to help. It’s a great problem to have. But if things have hit this level, you need to be speaking with your attorney, your kids’ school if you’ve got kids, and immediate family. Maybe even the police. Respond when you can. Good people will understand. When you have time to let people support you, well, it’s honestly the only thing that kept me going.
Just because everyone knows what happened, that doesn't mean you have to talk to them about it.
Sometimes it feels good to talk through it. Sometimes it doesn’t, or there isn’t time, or it’s not the right person offering. It’s okay to give each person in your life an appropriate clearance level.
If you haven’t seen someone in awhile, they may need some help gauging how you’re doing. I remember seeing a very fine human being over a year after the shit hit the fan. She was looking at me with deep compassion in her eyes, and while I appreciated it, it didn’t fit any more. In the months since I’d see her last, I’d done a great deal of living and adjusting.
People are going to make assumptions and poke their noses in your business.
People will think they understand what’s happened, because that’s what happens when people read about something in the news. But there’s much more to living a life than could ever fit in a news story.
There will be comments on social media and some people will help themselves to publicly available documents, like divorce filings, and then post screen grabs on reddit. It’s wild but expect it. Or better yet, ask for any proceedings to be sealed due to excessive media attention.
Not everyone knows.
A surprising number of people don’t watch the local news. I ran into the CEO of my old job the day a big news story broke. A friend texted me about it and I’d just stuffed my phone into my pocket and was feeling more pensive than embarrassed. Then I heard someone enthusiastically calling my name on the way out of Barnes and Noble.
And she hit me with a question that was too earnest to manage properly. “How are you?” She asked. There’s no etiquette playbook for knowing how to handle that. Luckily for me, she was the type of leader who cares about people, so I gave her the abridged version.
There’s also nothing wrong with just saying, “Oh, I’m fine, I like the job I left your company for, blah, blah, blah.” You control how you respond to each moment. It may not feel like much, but it’s something.
People ghost. Don’t chase the dead.
At first, I wondered how realistic it was to make it through something like this with all my friendships intact. Surprisingly, I only lost two, an individual and a married couple. One whom I knew almost instinctively wouldn’t be brave enough to stay friends with someone attached to a public scandal. She’s always been consumed with what people think of her, which is a shame, because people think she’s amazing. The other one hurt a lot more because I thought they were lifers.
But by and large, I learned I have the most incredible, supportive people in my life who always took my calls if they could, always found ways to help and seemed to have infinite patience for my timeline in processing things. I blocked my ghosts because I don’t have time to go ghost-hunting. Life is for the living.
Lock down any shared assets first.
If this came out of nowhere, and you weren’t even contemplating divorce, you need an attorney and a meeting at the bank right now. Even if you’re planning to stay married. People publicly caught out need a lot of money right now for their lawyer and maybe their PR specialists.
There are only two things you *have* to do and there’s a clear order of operations:
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Safety. Yours and your kids. Nothing matters till you’ve got this locked down.
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Protect what’s yours. You’re gonna need it for the future, whether you have kids or not. Even if you stay married, you do not want to lose everything over this. People don’t always act how you’d expect, that’s how this whole mess started.
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Everything else.
There’s no finish line.
Adjusting to getting divorced is hard enough, when you add a media circus, it’s an enormous amount of pressure. It can feel like your whole life is on display, you’re not sure who knows what or who believed this or that thing from the news. If it was a story that played out more over time, like my situation, you have to wash, rinse, and repeat all this.
These experiences stay with you, and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You’ll learn from it, you’ll find things about yourself that are amazing qualities you can take into your career and relationships.
This doesn’t define you.
There was a Dave Matthews Band lyric I was quite fond of in high school. The future is no place to place your better days. Well, not to disagree with “Dave,” as my high school girlfriend called him (I wasn’t brave enough to admit it, but I didn’t like that), but the future is a great thing to be excited about, especially if things happening right now suck. Over time, your central nervous system will calm down. You’ll find your new normal.
In my case, being the man in this situation definitely went against a cultural grain. In a way, it was like a twist in a good book and it tended to amp things up a bit. Our society treats men with suspicion and for good reasons but I was still surprised how many people made well-intended but ass backwards comments about it. Glad you think my life burning down around me is progressive, yeah, that’s really great. I was worried about being judged if I called them on it, so I let it slide.
It still matters how you talk to your kids.
It sucks, but kids love their parents even when the whole world is saying explosive (and true) things about them. Be clear, age appropriate, and if your kids are old enough to Google, do everything you can to ensure they hear as much from you as possible. Finding things out from the media is literally the worst way to learn anything. They may be sad and want to defend your soon-to-be-ex-spouse. As a parent, it’s your job to meet them where they are with connection and empathy. Your thoughts are not for your kids at this moment. State facts fairly and clearly and be there for them. Don’t lie or sugarcoat but also don’t pile on.
If your kids are old enough to use the internet independently, you’ve gotta communicate hard core. Be honest about everything if it’s age appropriate. Try to stay ahead of things, so they can hear it from you. That’s almost always better.
Consider setting some controls on how often to be online. Invite their friends over in person, as long as they’re true trusted friends. Tell them to set boundaries but know they likely need space away from you to talk things over in private. And the previous comment about ghosting? Be ready to help them if they need that particular life lesson.
Anything you can afford that makes your life easier is a good choice.
You’ve got a lot to deal with and it’s not simply a matter of reading the news or checking the memes and getting to work. Ask your friends to be your point person. When you feel like checking the comments, text them so they can talk you out of it. So door dash, hit the trampoline park. Take your kids shopping. Take the weekend getaway.
Get away. Reality will still be waiting for you when you get back.
It may be all-consuming at first, but find ways to go out and do things when you can. Horseback riding is one of my favorites. Or movies. Video games, if you’re nerdy like me. If you’re not, try it. Among Us is pretty addictive and great for processing thoughts in the background.
I don’t have a card for this scenario and it took me a moment to figure out why. I think it’s because the stress from a very public divorce comes from the pressure of all the people who don’t know you knowing all about what happened. The people who know you will have the best idea what to say. If someone you know is getting divorced or navigating a personal challenge in public, browse our collection of divorce greeting cards and take your pick.