FADE IN
INT - DOCTOR”S OFFICE
THE AUTHOR HAS JUST FINISHED EXPLAINING THE PARTICULARS OF HER IMPENDING DIVORCE TO HER PHYSICIAN AS PART OF A ROUTINE VISIT.
Empathetic doctor: How long have you been married?
Me: 17 years.
Empathetic doctor: That’s forever.
FADE OUT
Of the many exchanges I had about my upcoming divorce, this one stuck with me. I got married young, so when people asked how many years, the answer was sometimes a bit startling. But the good news was I already disagreed that we’d been married forever.
Forever was what lay ahead. Daunting, uncertain, lonely, exciting, and many more unknown things. I knew I had a bold, new chapter, but not gonna lie, I was scared. Supporting myself as an adult was something I’d never done all by myself. There was always another income. I’d been a wife so long, I had to reframe my identity a bit.
One of the ways I took control and nurtured that sense of excitement was with a post-divorce bucket list:
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Ride a motorcycle
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Try stand-up comedy
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Try my hand at painting and create a stunning painting of Medusa
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Make a meaningful contribution of any type to an Oscar-nominated film
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Judge a camel beauty contest
I wanna say there were a few more, but these were the big ones. And I kind of I didn’t write it down. Don’t be like me. Write yours down.
I honestly think I need to add a couple more. Because I managed to cross the first two off my list within 6 months of my divorce. I thought they were things that would take a lot of planning, and it didn’t.
Don’t think too hard, just think about stuff you want to experience if you could do anything you want
To all my overthinkers--as a fellow neurotic, I understand and applaud your ability to “what-about” yourself into knots. The writing of the list has nothing to do with how you’re going to achieve these things. This is about thinking, “Maybe I could try downhill skiing, maybe I could learn to cook like Julia Child, maybe I could be an artist in my spare time,” maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe I’m not just going to be okay but have a blast.
Pay attention to things that grab your attention around town, in your everyday life, and watching movies. Think back to what made you happy as a kid. Just write it down. You can always revisit later.
Your post-divorce bucket list doesn’t have to only be for you
I got invited to do stand-up because I texted an opening line to a friend who teaches it. It’s easy to hold your dream a little closer when you’re married. Something you’ve thought about doing may not go further than the other side of your bed. But when you have to open to up to more people, things start to happen. People who aren’t married to you are likely to push you further, because they don’t have to live with you.
One of the byproducts of making a list like this is it forces you to connect with more people right when you need it most. Trying new things means going out of your comfort zone and that’s a huge part of carving out your new life and making it what you want.
Some items you come up with may require effort and planning, but this process really is about aligning your energy and basking in positivity.
Include big things and small things
I thought stand-up would be the last thing I crossed off my list. It was the first. And I found out I was right to put it on there. I was good at it! And looking back at how it played out, how I just kind of stumbled right into it, I was very at ease with it. I initially picked it because it felt a huge stretch, but it turns out, it wasn’t.
You want things to look forward to. If you get them all done fast, is it really a bucket list? I need to add some to mine, but I still haven’t been able to pick up a paintbrush. Parenting, working full-time, it just hasn’t happened. This is also an item on my list that involves discipline and skill-building. It won’t happen overnight. And that’s good, because I want this list to help me articulate what’s important to me, now that I’m calling all the shots.
Adapt as life changes.
Initially I wanted to get my motorcycle license. But when I got full custody of my child, I had to alter my plans. Maybe when my child is older, I’ll revisit.
It felt like how I imagine a dog feels when she puts her head out the windows and you drive all over town. I get why people do it. I didn’t like driving in traffic, but off the highways and whizzing past green blurs of trees and then stopping for a hike…it was every bit as fun as I imagined.
Your next adventure isn’t about what you do, it’s about who you become.
Whether your divorce was a long time coming or came out of absolutely nowhere, making the best of this transition isn’t easy. And it’s okay if you’re sad. It’s okay if not every minute feels like a bold new step into the future.
BUT--finding those things that fill you with joy and excitement will help you get to your new normal faster and better. Life can surprise us in the most hideous ways but also the most delightful ways. Being open to the latter part may take some effort but is the key to a happy life moving forward.
If someone you know is getting divorced, find the card that tells them exactly what they need to hear. Hopeful, funny, or tear-jerkers, we’ve got you covered.