They just haven’t told you yet, because most people who want to get divorced in November or December wait until the new year. Maybe as people gear up for Thanksgiving dinner, the thought of having to explain how things imploded is less than appealing. For couples with kids, once everyone wakes up after trick-or-treating, it starts to feel like Christmas morning is barreling down on a new rocket-powered sleigh from the North Pole.
I did it, too, but for slightly different reasons. My ex-husband refused to believe me when I said the marriage was over, and I marched forward trying new things to convince him to leave. In mid-January, I saw the grocery store fill with red flowers and mediocre teddy bears with inferior chocolate. I’d done all the prep work but I stopped waiting for him to accept it. I pulled the final trigger with the paperwork and told him to deal with it before he could buy me something. I still consider Valentine’s Day my personal Fourth of July.
You Don’t Know What You Don’t Know
Even if you think you know everything, there’s probably someone in your life struggling to hold their truth in, just a little bit longer. People who seem to get along may have completely lost their connection. There could be secret debts that, when discovered, made long held dreams evaporate into thin air. In my case, I had a screaming intuition, but no proof of anything (I did get it much later, I was lucky).
In 2026, as you’re convincing yourself this year you’ll really use that gym membership, consider your response to unexpected news, should someone tell you about their divorce. They have to tell family, friends, neighbors, their kids (this one is rough!), and usually at least a few people at work.
They have to make their way through a maze filled with thoughtless comments, dumb questions, judgments and assumptions. Meanwhile, there is likely stress and fear, even if the appeal of a bold new chapter holds warmth and positivity.
They also have their own internal critics and hindsight bias and may be desperately wishing things had gone differently. Saying the wrong thing, even with the best of intentions, can make a difficult time even harder.
Keep Your Foot Out of Your Mouth
There are a few common responses people have when they hear, “I’m getting divorced.” There’s a lot of reasons to avoid certain responses, so let’s get into it. Here’s a quick list of things not to say.
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“I’m sorry.”
This one isn’t necessarily bad, but what if your friend is finally holding her head high and has grieved privately and is feeling like this is a really good thing? It can feel a bit like hearing someone say, “The surgeon got all the tumor,” and then saying, “I’m sorry,” and nothing ese. This isn’t the worst thing to say, but it may not resonate or match how she’s feeling. -
“Have you two tried therapy?”
Hot take coming in. It doesn’t matter what he did or didn’t try. “Making it work,” isn’t always the right answer. Maybe she refused. Maybe she twisted things. Maybe she fired every therapist that didn’t agree with her. Have you ever tried to go to couple’s therapy with a narcissist? Useless at best, dangerous at worst. It is NOT up to you to decide if your friend has earned his divorce. -
“I didn’t know you guys were having problems.”
That’s probably by design and this isn't about you. Even in largely dysfunctional relationships, most couples avoid getting into it socially. Whether or not you knew before, you’re being brought into the truth in this moment. -
“I never got that vibe from her.”
If you’re hearing negative things about someone you considered a friend, that can be hard. If you’re friends with both spouses, you’ll need to consider what your boundaries are when it comes to hearing all the sordid details. If you have doubts about what your friend is telling you, keep it to yourself unless he explicitly asks. People don’t always act the same behind closed doors and people worried about their reputation go to great lengths to discredit their soon-to-be ex spouse when the truth finally comes out. -
“I never liked him anyway.”
This won’t make her feel smart or validated. This will make her feel judged and inferior. And if there’s deep and disturbing betrayal involved, she may wonder what else you knew and kept to yourself. -
“What about the kids?”
Listen. Parents always want the best for their children. Don’t make it sound like you care more or have thought more about their kids than they have. If that were true, you saying this would change nothing. And if it isn’t true, just be supportive.
People Never Forget Who Made them Feel Smart, Strong, and Safe
Most of the things not to say come from a good place. You’re worried and surprised. You want to be let further into your friend’s world so you can be there. That’s an awesome impulse. Here are some response that will help make that possible:
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“Wow, thanks for sharing that with me. Do you want to talk about it?”
This acknowledges that the divorce is a big deal in a way that’s neutral, allowing you to learn how she feels about it. It’s also a good idea to gauge someone’s appetite for heavy conversations. You can always say, “I’m here if you need me,” for when they’re ready. -
“Is this ‘I’m sorry’ or 'Congratulations!'?"
This is my go to response, honesty. It lets me read the room instantly and there’s usually a laugh. -
“Are you safe?”
Sad to say, this is always a good idea. I honestly wouldn’t have known how to answer this, but I think my concussion would have been a good thing to share more openly. When my ex-husband finally left our house, my whole body chemistry changed, cluing me into all the self preservation chemicals running wild. -
“Is there anything that would make getting through the next two weeks easier?”
I prefer this framing over a more general, “What do you need?” because it’s less overwhelming. By focusing on the short-term, I think it’s easier to figure out ways for people to help. Most of us are terrible at asking for help.
After the initial conversation, check in from time to time. If you’re not sure whether he wants to talk about his divorce, just ask. Make it clear he can change his mind. Browse my collection of divorce greeting cards. Help someone feel seen when the time comes.